What is a Wish, Anyway?
Instead of kicking the seeds out of this stupid dandelion, I took this photo instead. It was on February 19th, 2023, a few lawns down the street from the hospital where Seamus had arrived the evening before. I was out for a gasp of fresh air, and at that moment every tiny thing that existed felt poignant and purposeful, but this little wish puff in particular seemed to be throwing taunts. “Kick me, I dare you.”.
I was wrecked with worry, exhausted, and in the early days of shock, but gobs of serotonin and adrenaline still surged through my system too. I’ve made so many attempts to put the aggregate feeling of that confluence into words, but words just don’t hold candles to that formidable flow. Still, I work at it.
The dandy seeds survived the day, and I made a wish anyway. That wish did not come true. Maybe it was because I didn’t heed that weed’s tempting request. Occasionally, in moments spent too far in the deep end, that seems just as likely a notion as what actually happened. A wish is defined in part by Mirriam-Webster as a want or desire for something that is unlikely to happen, or to achieve something unattainable. They are often only utilized as a last resort. Perhaps in that kind of scenario, it’s kinda true - where hopes end, wishes begin. Or maybe they’re somewhat more interchangeable.
And sure, I prayed as well, and earnestly, because why not? My prayers too might appear to have gone unanswered, save for an appeal for mercy. One definition of prayer is “an earnest hope or wish”. I can imagine God or What/Who/However sifting through billions of hopes and wishes like so many loose lego blocks and answering only the most earnest submissions. You know, like that level of omnipotence has actual hands to sift. Or legos. Or uses words.
I trusted in expertise and our collective medical knowledge, but in the end there was nothing that could change Seamus’ condition here on Earth. Not yet, anyway. It was the way that his body grew. Well, no. His vessel really was perfect. More like the way his cells divided. Even more so maybe even just one cell. I wish I could know. The real culprit or reason won’t ever be revealed, not in this life. Not here. He was the way he was always going to be, as soon as he was. I imagine often that he knew the whole time, in there on the soul level. If he could have spoken, he might have even said: “Papa, your wishes aren’t necessary, I’m just passing through. There are a few really cool things I’d like to show you, straight from The Source! It’s so very wonderful there, you’ll see. Don’t be afraid. Don’t be sad. I love you.” Imagining is all I’ve got of his personality, but in truth, that alone is quite a big something. I do it all the time.
In session with my therapist this morning, I started waxing even further about this whole wishing thing, cuz you know, it’s front of mind. Her perspective really struck me, and it has to do with smaller, unsensational wishes. In this sense, these are almost an antithesis of what we might call a regular wish. They’re (mostly) eminently attainable. A blunt example: if I’m hungry, I can wish for a sandwich. Then I can make that wish come true, a number of ways. Any given day is rich in fulfilled wishes in this definition. One could say that’s just moving the goalposts, but I gotta say, I love the take. It’s a simple rebuttal to the notion that there isn’t much we actually control.
There are always going to be wishes that have no chance of reaching the outside of our sphere of influence. But still, that influence is a vital ingredient. At the headwater of a wish lives a spirit of vigor, a desire for something different than exists at present moment. Without influence (action), the wish has effectively zero chance at coming true. Any actions taken towards success will certainly exert influence on the original intention, ensuring that it cannot be a zero-sum affair.
I imagine that this works in similar fashion for both prayers and hopes. By casting any of the three into consciousness, self, or shared, and then taking any action to influence the outcome, literally any number of reactions can be set in motion, ensuring that the original request technically changes the world you live in.
A perspective worth voicing, I think.